1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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