Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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