Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
