i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm always down for nudity.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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