I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm at about main and main street
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
