Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
