Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
