If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
