I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
