Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
