I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
