I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize