Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
