peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
