I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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