I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize