Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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