He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
