Life is so much better after having sex.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize