i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
