I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
