We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
