I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
