It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
