if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
