so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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