Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
