I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
