Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We smell like vodka and hangover
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