the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
