he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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