im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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