Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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