I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
