At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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