Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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