You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize