mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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