She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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