she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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