I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
