My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
