Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
