Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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