Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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