Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
