But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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