Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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