I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
