My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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