Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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