Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
