census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i think i just lost a toe
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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