Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
