since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
