He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
