She's JV to your varsity
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
