remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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