First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
