Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
