Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
