I haven't been this sober since birth.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
