It's Friday. Sex?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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