This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
