I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
