i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
